Try and understand

It’s all so strange.  There isn’t anyone that I know that has had the experience that I’ve had.  I’ve gone from lost to found, from half to whole.  It’s been a wonderful, overwhelming time. 

It still seems unreal that I have a real family.  I always felt the odd man out.  I know people don’t always like their family members, but at least they usually know them.  That’s a basic human thing that I don’t understand.  I’m like those kids raised by dogs. After awhile you can’t be taught how to live with humans, you’ve lost that ability.  I don’t know if I can ever accept that I have parents like everyone else. 

You think you are alone in the world.  Nobody is like you.  You’ve never seen a family members face.  Not that you can remember anyway, but sometimes you can almost remember, feel what is was to know true sweet happiness with your mother.  That perfect love that is gone forever. And that memory makes you very, very angry.  Always, just below the surface is that annoying sore spot that aches all the time, and sometimes really hurts bad. 

But you get hard to it.  Find ways to keep it down below the surface. 

But what then, when you do meet?  It’s the most curious thing.  This total stranger is the one you’ve been waiting for your whole life!  Mommy, in the flesh!!  A real live woman, and your true mother. 

Can you imagine the feeling?  It’s happiness, yes. True sheer joy.  A peace I’ve never know existed.  But also anger, the big question that can never be answered to any adoptee’s satisfaction.  Why would a mother give her baby away to total strangers?  It’s mind boggling, unfathomable.  The poor baby!  Left all alone in whatever place you go to leave babies.  Well I was there, and she left me.  I can never get over that cold fact.  She handed me over and left me there. 

Where does that leave me?  I’m hanging in there.  My mother has a lot of baggage, and she is the most wonderful woman in the world, so I’ve got that going for me.  I’m trying to accept my new/old family.  And then there’s my adoptive mother.  That’s a story where I don’t come out smelling like a rose.  I’m more like a terrible greedy child that takes everything and is never happy.

I feel I’m a real bitch to adoptive mom.  I resent her being here in my house.  I want her out, but can see no way to do it.  I never loved her as much as she deserved.  She took care of me, loved me, and I could never love her back the way I should have.  I’m just a cold bitch with no feelings. 

I never could accept her as my true mother, and that’s what she wanted from me.  We can’t even talk about my being adopted.  Still, to this day. It’s a hard uneasy silence.  I wish she could have accepted me for who I am.  Not her daughter, but someone else’s child she took in to raise.  Because they wanted a baby of their own, and the agency said that’s what I would be, whether I liked it or not, til death do us part.  So you just bought a baby, no questions asked.  White and healthy, that’s all anyone wanted. 

Like a walking, talking doll baby.  Me? not quite.  I couldn’t fit the bill.  Not quite what they were promised.  A surly little bitch who wouldn’t warm up.  Always the nose up in the air.  That was me.  Ingrate, after all we’ve done for you, how dare you.  Find your family.  You have no right!  The court says you’re ours, we bought you, fair and square.  The law says so.. Never mind nature, and reality. 

A court order can’t change DNA.  The judge can’t overrule heredity.  The most basic unit of society, kinship.  It’s valuable.  It’s cherished and important to people.  All people.  How can anyone deny so basic a concept? 

Sometime I feel like a robot.  Especially when I was child.  Manufactured in a lab, so I’m clean.  No messy love entanglements to mess up my purity.  I was born from no one.  Created just to fulfill my adoptive parents desire for a loving child.  And here I am, as if by magic!  A real live baby, created just for you. 

Imagine living in that sick fantasy world.  How can sane people believe in such a fairy tale?  What was I supposed to do? 

I was waiting for my parents to come get me.  I was always ready to go.  Always looking down the block,  maybe that’s them!  No, guess not.  Better face it.  They’re never coming back for you.  They left your ass for good.  Better make nice with the psychos, they’re  all you got, baby.

I wish I could be what everyone wants me to be, but I don’t know if I can.  I’m trying, I’m learning, little by little.  It’s great to know who I am at long last.  No one can take that away from me again.

Letters to Dad

Dear Dad,
        I'm very happy to receive your response. I have peace in my heart that I never had before. Everything that happened to me, I would always wish my parents were there to share it with me. My wedding, the birth of my children. How I longed for my mother during those times. I was always dependent upon the kindness of strangers.
        Adoption is total exile from your entire family. Societies only exile their most hated and despised people, it's considered a terrible thing to do to someone, yet our society allows it to be done to helpless infants.
        I had no identity, no information about where I came from except for some sketchy (and incorrect) information my adoptive Mother told me. It was a closed subject in our family, a shameful secret that must never be spoken of.
        I appreciate your honesty about the choices you made. The past can never be changed, so we must try and build a better future. I hope that is possible.
        I love my true mother very much. I'm surprised by the way I feel, since I've never felt it before. She had the saddest, meanest life of anyone I've ever heard of. It seems that every single person who was supposed to help and protect her instead hurt and abused her. It breaks my heart. No one deserves what she's been through.
        Well, I'm surprised I've written so much! I guess I was waiting to hear from you.
        Your Daughter, Michele



Why was I cast out of Eden?

        Was my sin so great?

        Why won't anyone tell me what really happened?

Why?

So why

We were busy.  We loved you so much we had to give you away.  (thanks).  We wanted you to have a better life.  Does anyone believe these things?  Because they sound like horseshit to me.  Maybe I’ll love you so much that I’ll push you in front of a train.  Maybe I just want to protect you from future sorrows.  After all you may get sick someday and suffer, so let me protect you from that.  That would be the best thing I could do for you wouldn’t it? 

Did you think I would never come back?  Did you think I was really gone forever? If you wanted me gone for sure you should’ve taken me to the river and drowned me.  And you wanted me to come back?  Be careful what you wish for. 

And there is no good reason.  Were you brains taken over by aliens?  That would be a good reason. Someone forced you at gunpoint? 

Did you just not feel like raising a kid at that time?  Were you not “ready” for parenthood?  For fucks sake, what were you thinking?  I’ve had children, daughters even and not for one second did I ever consider giving them away. 

I love you but I just don’t get it.  Do other people understand and sympathize?  I wish I could. 

Calmer

Let me explain page 2 of this letter.  That’s the child still inside of me talking.  As an adult I can will away those terrible feelings of anger and betrayal, but that little girl I once was cannot.  She can’t let it go, she doesn’t know how.

You can’t really know me unless you know her. 

First Feelings

just can’t get to sleep.  There’s too much going on in my head.   I’M SO FUCKING MAD.  I want to explode all over everyone.  All you lousy sons of bitches that did this to me.  You mother fuckers.  Yeah you, Mommy, Daddy, El****, M***, the agency.  Every single one of you,  HOW COULD YOU.   5 fucking days old, you pricks hand your kid over to total strangers with a hope and a prayer that everything will be OK?  Really? 

Oh, and you kept the other kids.  I guess they were OK, only I was the one you had to get rid of, like a litter of kittens.  At least the kittens get to stay with their mother until they’re weaned.  Civilization sucks.  What civilized society does this to their most helpless, vulnerable , innocent members.  Barbarian bastards that’s who. 


FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU.

I could fill a whole page, hell 1000 pages and that still wouldn’t be enough.  , you heartless fuck heads. 


I  blame my adopters too.  The ones who never acknowledged my heartbreaking loss.  You don’t have another mother.  LIES AND DECEIT.  Who was that supposed to help, surely not me, lost and alone.  Dependant upon the kindness of strangers.  What a fucked up way to go through life. 


How I cried for you, how I longed for you, how I hated you. 

This is the truth spilling out.  I’ve been lying. 


YOU LEFT ME ALONE!!  YOU LEFT ME!!

WHAT DID I DO WRONG??   When are you coming back for me? Oh yeah, never. 


So now I found you, what the fuck did you expect?   I can never be fixed.  You degenerate bastards. 



Yours truly,

Whoever the fuck I am

Intro

These are essays I wrote at different stages in my reunion with my parents, and extended family.  These are raw unedited emotions, so beware.