It’s all so strange. There isn’t anyone that I know that has had the experience that I’ve had. I’ve gone from lost to found, from half to whole. It’s been a wonderful, overwhelming time.
It still seems unreal that I have a real family. I always felt the odd man out. I know people don’t always like their family members, but at least they usually know them. That’s a basic human thing that I don’t understand. I’m like those kids raised by dogs. After awhile you can’t be taught how to live with humans, you’ve lost that ability. I don’t know if I can ever accept that I have parents like everyone else.
You think you are alone in the world. Nobody is like you. You’ve never seen a family members face. Not that you can remember anyway, but sometimes you can almost remember, feel what is was to know true sweet happiness with your mother. That perfect love that is gone forever. And that memory makes you very, very angry. Always, just below the surface is that annoying sore spot that aches all the time, and sometimes really hurts bad.
But you get hard to it. Find ways to keep it down below the surface.
But what then, when you do meet? It’s the most curious thing. This total stranger is the one you’ve been waiting for your whole life! Mommy, in the flesh!! A real live woman, and your true mother.
Can you imagine the feeling? It’s happiness, yes. True sheer joy. A peace I’ve never know existed. But also anger, the big question that can never be answered to any adoptee’s satisfaction. Why would a mother give her baby away to total strangers? It’s mind boggling, unfathomable. The poor baby! Left all alone in whatever place you go to leave babies. Well I was there, and she left me. I can never get over that cold fact. She handed me over and left me there.
Where does that leave me? I’m hanging in there. My mother has a lot of baggage, and she is the most wonderful woman in the world, so I’ve got that going for me. I’m trying to accept my new/old family. And then there’s my adoptive mother. That’s a story where I don’t come out smelling like a rose. I’m more like a terrible greedy child that takes everything and is never happy.
I feel I’m a real bitch to adoptive mom. I resent her being here in my house. I want her out, but can see no way to do it. I never loved her as much as she deserved. She took care of me, loved me, and I could never love her back the way I should have. I’m just a cold bitch with no feelings.
I never could accept her as my true mother, and that’s what she wanted from me. We can’t even talk about my being adopted. Still, to this day. It’s a hard uneasy silence. I wish she could have accepted me for who I am. Not her daughter, but someone else’s child she took in to raise. Because they wanted a baby of their own, and the agency said that’s what I would be, whether I liked it or not, til death do us part. So you just bought a baby, no questions asked. White and healthy, that’s all anyone wanted.
Like a walking, talking doll baby. Me? not quite. I couldn’t fit the bill. Not quite what they were promised. A surly little bitch who wouldn’t warm up. Always the nose up in the air. That was me. Ingrate, after all we’ve done for you, how dare you. Find your family. You have no right! The court says you’re ours, we bought you, fair and square. The law says so.. Never mind nature, and reality.
A court order can’t change DNA. The judge can’t overrule heredity. The most basic unit of society, kinship. It’s valuable. It’s cherished and important to people. All people. How can anyone deny so basic a concept?
Sometime I feel like a robot. Especially when I was child. Manufactured in a lab, so I’m clean. No messy love entanglements to mess up my purity. I was born from no one. Created just to fulfill my adoptive parents desire for a loving child. And here I am, as if by magic! A real live baby, created just for you.
Imagine living in that sick fantasy world. How can sane people believe in such a fairy tale? What was I supposed to do?
I was waiting for my parents to come get me. I was always ready to go. Always looking down the block, maybe that’s them! No, guess not. Better face it. They’re never coming back for you. They left your ass for good. Better make nice with the psychos, they’re all you got, baby.
I wish I could be what everyone wants me to be, but I don’t know if I can. I’m trying, I’m learning, little by little. It’s great to know who I am at long last. No one can take that away from me again.
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